Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes it’s a minor setback and sometimes not. And some days you just need to give in and have that extra sleep, watch the tv and just be who you are in yourself. Not someone’s mum or wife, sister or friend. Not someone who constantly needs to do something for other people but just you being you. Sometimes your brain needs it and sometimes your body does. Some days the hoovering can be ignored. Some days the washing can be left where it is. It’s ok to have those days, those days when the most you do is play tea parties with your toddler in her play tent. I truly believe all that. So why do I find it so hard to except for myself?
I have to start admitting to myself that I have a long-term illness which can flare up unexpectedly and throw all my plans out the window. So my plans for today (which were pretty mundane) are now passed over to my husband. I always feel incredibly guilty for this. I see it as my job to do the shopping on the way home from playgroup because that’s the life I chose. Now he has to balance looking after Rose, the school run, a dog walk and fit in the shopping before he cooks a thousand pancakes for shrove Tuesday. Oh and finish his day of working from home which probably won’t happen until past midnight. Frank reiterates time and again that he doesn’t mind. He’d rather not see me in pain and unable to move.
The biggest frustration is that last week was great! I had so much more energy and was able to do stuff. I didn’t overdo it either. The gardening I did was gentle and the swimming I did was with the kids so more mucking about in water than swimming. Truth is last week I felt great! I could’ve had a thousand tea parties in tents, done the shopping, attended playgroup, got the kids to all their extra curricular classes, sorted out our must-do French paperwork, walked the dogs for miles and had enough energy to crochet whilst watching evening tv. The thing I hate is the unpredictability of it all. Yes, endometriosis is cyclical so I should be able to predict it but no one wants to say: “No I can’t go to the cinema next week, I’ll be in too much pain!”
Mostly I’m fine but for 2-3 days every month I’m not. I can’t remember the last day I was totally free of pain but it’s something I’m used to. Like when you go to the hairdresser and the hairdryer is on. You forget about it until it’s turned off. That’s how my every day is: noticing the pain is gone is the abnormal. I’m not writing this to try and get sympathy, in fact I’m never sure why I am writing about this. I guess it’s part of my journey in coming to understand what it’s all about and how it’s affecting my life. I guess it’s just me being real. I could’ve gone with my intended post this week all about lovely hygee crochet but I didn’t. I’ll hide behind that mask next week.
For now I’m happy. My life is good and I know that. My husband is lovely and supportive, my kids give the best hugs when I’m feeling down, the dogs know when I need a cuddle and I have lots of invites to tea parties in tents! Also, they all make me laugh. Yes, sometimes every single one of them drives me crazy but do you get on with everyone in your life all the time? (I’m about to paraphrase a Disney film here so beware) I may not have what I want but I have what I need: love.
I think that’s a fitting blog for a week on which Valentine’s Day falls don’t you?
I shall leave you with a picture of Rose’s dog being greedy and eating all the cakes during our tea party.
Until next time,